The Big D
If you’re going to change, you might as well go big.
A lot’s happened with me over the past year. My neighborhood blew up in a gas pipe explosion, my father had a stroke, I quit my job of nearly 10 years, I published a book, and now I’m getting the big D.
I’ve known my wife for nine years, been married for six. I don’t think either of us has been particularly happy for a long time. Psychologists will tell you that it’s natural after 5-7 years to start questioning your choices and feel the itch to move on. You’re supposed to fight for these things. But the fight left us a long time ago. It’s been over for a while; we were just going through the motions.
Divorce doesn’t come easy. After all, I have it made. My wife offered to support me when I quit IGN and let me live out the dream as a stay-at-home writer. I own a nice house in a neighborhood that probably won’t blow up again anytime soon. A lot of people would stay just to remain in a comfort zone. I’m glad I’m not like a lot of people.
My wife and I hold no animosity towards each other. It wasn’t working and we didn’t care enough to fight for it. That’s the sad truth. We move on to better things, still friends, just not lovers. We helped each other grow in those early years only to find we were holding each other back at the end. We part, because we want to live better lives.
I quit IGN for two reasons: The job was killing me and I didn’t like who I’d become.
They say heavy is the head that wears the crown. No shit. I took on more than anyone could handle and felt responsible for everything in and out of my control at IGN. The stress was destroying my body. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t think about anything but IGN. I had constant back and neck pain. I was in love with my job, but maybe too in love and it was ruining me. I knew — I mean, I knew — the job was taking 5-10 years off my life. But what life did I have anyway?
All that stress really got to me over the years. Every bit of emotion I had I gave to work and had nothing left for myself at the end of the day for my friends or my wife. Most people who know me now wouldn’t realize it, but I was a very different person a decade ago. I was happy, I was vibrant, I was a great friend, I was nice. I had fun taking on the persona as the mean guy in the office, but those things tend to stick once you leave work. It’s been an ugly, lonely, miserable few years.
I left IGN for the same reasons I leave my wife and home. I have to be the old me again. I like the old me. It was a good version of me.
With all that’s gone on, I’m sure people expect me to be miserable, but I haven’t been this happy in a very long time. I’m 36, but I feel 19. Hell, I look younger too. I’m terrified of the future. I’ve got no job — and no job prospects — and an apartment in the city that’s gonna suck away my savings very quickly. But that fear is also exhilarating. The future looks wide open. It’s been a long time since I felt hopeful. It’s been a long time since I wasn’t angry. It’s been a long time since I was “me”.
This has been a hard year — a hard couple of years, really — but now I have clarity. I’ll do great at whatever job comes next, but I’ll never approach work the same way. I get it now. You can be great without being consumed. I might even return to editorial work. I know how to do it now without having it kill me. Or I might do something else. Who knows?
It’s going to be fun finding out. It’s going to be nice to be a good friend again. It’s exciting to rediscover living.
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Hil, thanks for sharing this post. You can count with this designer here in your party for future endeavors.
By the way, I read your book in a flight from Atlanta to Nagoya, great companion, great book; however, if you plan to do ‘something else’, consider teaching English in Japan. You have great qualifications to nail a well-paid job here, while having time to work on a novel or even to learn Japanese. (I met this guy from New York who doesn’t speak japanese at all, but has been living here for 5 years now as an English teacher).
Hell, this is a ‘NewGame+’, you’re back to level 1, but you retain all of your experience. I don’t expect you to be miserable, I expect you to grow in new ways.
Good luck and stay happy.
Hey man, this article really instilled emotion me. Keep up what your doing right, and good luck in all your future endeavors. Everyone here at podcast17 is rooting for you.
Best of luck to you and all your future endeavors. You continue to amaze me with your unique insights and perspective on not just this industry, but life in general.
I have to say to, reading this and other articles on this site means so much to me that I don’t even know how to describe it. The brutal honesty and frankness of each of these peices feels to me like a veil has been lifted. Like you’re saying the things that you couldn’t before. As a relative youngling in videogame journalism (I’m 19) your work on this site continues to shape my perspective and decisions as I move forward in this industry. It is so refreshing to hear the realities that this life can lead to, and not just the cheeriness and laughter of podcasts and such.
I’m not saying that that stuff isn’t genuine, its just not the total story.
I’m sorry you felt that way for the past couple of years -and I understand it too because they were not too good with me either- but Hill, I’m very very happy to know your happy with your new style of living .. but I just like to say: I’ve been a fan of IGN for the past six-seven, and of all the editors that worked for the company you were the best..-and after all, the best deserves the best.
Best of luck,
Hills ..keep the good writings coming!!
You are a very strong person to be able to do all the things you have done in just the past year. It can be very scary but it can also be extremely rewarding. Couple of years ago my fiancee left me and now I’m in vet school following my dream! So follow your dreams Hil follow them till the end
Wow, I truly can’t express how meaningful this article is.
I’ve been following your work for years. Heck, I’ve been reading IGN since it was ign64, not kidding. Not religiously mind you, but reading.
Divorce is always a saddening event to hear of, even when the outcome is ultimately in pursuit of happiness. I know great things are ahead of you Hil. You’ve inspired me to do what I love and pursue the industry in full force.
I recently just finished up a contract job with IGN (IPL division) working the recent IPL3: Origins event. Though it’s not in editorial, it’s still working with a company I deeply respect and admire, and ultimately… it’s in video games. I’ve been offered the opportunity to come back for future events, which has me extremely excited.
I’ve been freelancing with some very cool sites too, as well as managing a podcast for a network & show I love.
Thanks to you, I’m on my way to doing something in the game industry. Great thing about it is, there’s a number of jobs I’d love doing, so long as it’s in the industry I have such passion for.
Keep pursuing what makes you happy, I can definitely tell how much you’ve changed post-IGN. You’re happier, and it shines through.
Talk to you around the web Hil.
- Landon
So your wife is available now? I might give her a ring. jk
But in all honesty, I’m glad your rediscovering you life and your happy
Unfortunate it has to be that way, but it’s terrific that the old you is back happy and excited for life.
Best of luck on future endeavors.
Wow, at first it seems like a terrible thing, but you seem to be coming out happier. I still need to read you book by the way!
You moved to the city? I’ll give you a call next time I embark on some fun!
well well well…..better friend…better you = more talkative brother …awww i love the introspective you…i am glad that you are happy…i am happy that life holds so many amazing possibilities for you. age does have its advantage and that is why people that are older believe they are @ their best in their older years..glad you are going to enjoy this new chapter in your life a healthier version of yourself…i love you so much and you amaze me…mom would be so proud…now get me a nephew haha
Please do not look back at your time at IGN as bad. You did good work there. You were in charge of the website as it became a video game website powerhouse. You brought that site to it’s Number 1 status.
Best of luck to you in your future.
Damn man…this is why I continue reading everything you put out there: the ability to write a coherent argument for every subject combined with the introspection to sort out your emotion from rational about it.
look, you’re not the first to go through this. You’re not the last. You are one of few to go about it as you do though. Although some of your writing is probably partly a cathartic excercise for you I want to thank you for giving wording to others who struggle getting your clarity.
enjoy your coming small victories that’ll feel like you achieved greatness and the small defeats that’ll feel like the world is against you…they’re eachothers flipside for every independent thinker that puts his money where his heart is.
Glad you’re happy. Your time at IGN has earned you a lot of respect from a lot of people. I’m in my last year of university doing a publishing and journalism degree, and I owe many of my career decisions thus far to you.
So as you begin an exciting new chapter in your life I’d like to thank you for the inspiration you have and do bring me and wish you the very best going forward with what ever you decide to do.
I just want to tell you that you have all my respect. Hil you are one of the most brilliant and inspiring man I’ve ever known, especially with your attitude towards life.
Good luck Hil, do something awesome.
But what should I do with this magnet on my fridge reminding me every August 20th?
Take one sip, pour one on the magnet for your homies who didn’t make it.
I applaud your courage and openness. We are peers of sorts. I’m a 35-year-old editorial manager and I’ve been married for five years. Balancing the pressures of work and home can easily turn you into an unrecognizable version of yourself. I’ve seen it firsthand.
Good luck with the next chapter of your life. As a fan of your work for many years, I have no doubt you’ll exceed expectations. Enjoy the ride.
Now you get the opportunity to live the life of a single, heterosexual male in San Francisco. Possibly the greatest existence on the planet.
Well, as long as there is no hate between you guys and you keep pushing forward instead of sulking. Good luck with everything, and I hope to reading some Gold Standard Goodies (both gaming and non-gaming)
Good on you for making the tough decisions. I recently listened to a Freakonomics podcast, The Upside of Quitting, where they illustrated just how horrible we as humans are about moving on after spending so much time and effort on something – the Sunk Cost Fallacy. Recognizing it was the right time to leave your job and your marriage, then acting on it is brave; most people are not so lucky. You will continue to succeed and I look forward to your future work.
-Garry
Thanks for taking the time to fill us in. It’s very respectable that you are so open about your life here. It’s great to see that you don’t allow yourself to settle for unhappiness, whether it be in your life or with yourself.
Best of luck going forward. I bought the book by the way. Looking forward to reading it.
It’s weird to think about the Hilary Goldstein that I first listened to several years ago on podcasts and the Hil as you are now. I’m glad you’re changing back to a better lifestyle. Just don’t lose the asshole part of you that made you exceedingly funny.
Hil, congrats on becoming you again. I’m a few blocks further up “Self-Awareness BLVD” & I can tell you that there are some great views up here. It’s good that you & your ex are amicable. It’s tough to keep it that way. I’ve always enjoyed your work, & work-based enthusiasm. Best of luck with everything! L’shanah tovah!
Rather than condolences, I’ll offer congratulations. Louis CK has a great bit about how no one should ever be sad that a couple is divorcing, because no happy, well adjusted marriage has ever ended in divorce.
It’s awesome that you guys are still friends. Good luck with the new chapter of your life, sir.
sorry to hear about the divorce i have been following you for many years now on ign etc and i wish you all the luck in the world.
Damn, talk about alot of life changes. I wish I could believe that I could brave enough or confident enough to make so many in such a short amount of time, and but I doubt I could. Hope things work out for you, and that you continue to find happiness with this new “old”you. Still miss your presence at IGN, your work there is what got coming to the site, and your absence is very noticeable in just about every article or review now.
Best of luck
You’re a brave man Mr. Goldstein. I wish you the best of luck and much happiness.
Hey Hil, very well-put. I got divorced two years ago this month – after 12 years of marriage. Mine wasn’t as amicable as yours – we both decided to get the divorce, then she changed her mind and I didn’t. But, it’s over and done with.
In that time, I’ve found someone that lets me be me for the first time since I found out who “me” is. It seems like you’re heading down that same path – and you’re aware of it already, which is great.
I just watched Steve Jobs’ 2005 Harvard speech this morning. To paraphrase a sentiment of his, “There’s no reason to live someone else’s life.” And it sounds like you’re taking that step. Good luck, sir.
Been following your stuff since the glory days of TRL and Cobra Commander
Good to hear you’re doing all right, all things considered.
Jostein, Norway.
Very moving and inspiring. My hat is off to you for having the courage to live your life for you. Good luck.
Wait…the most important thing out of this is..who’s keeping Spencer???
She is. My new place doesn’t allow pets. I tried to explain that Spencer is more of a child than a pet.
Sorry to hear what you’re going through Hilary, but thank you for the post. While I haven’t gone through the professional changes you have, my girlfriend of 5.5 years and I recently split up for many of the same reasons that you alluded to. Sad to see it come to an end, but looking forward to what’s to come.
Best of luck,